Airline cabin
announcements
Not
too sure how much Airline Urban Myth is involved, but
this collection comes courtesy of our American
friends.
All too rarely, airline
attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here
are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW
has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want)
passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're
not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in
it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with
a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your
flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess
said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If
you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
4. "There may be 50 ways to
leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane."
5. "Thank you for flying Delta
Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the
business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."
6. As the plane landed and was
coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came
over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough
landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take
care when opening the overhead compartments because,
after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines
employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa
. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you
are traveling with more than one small child, pick your
favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination
is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to
have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be
used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency
water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane,
make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during
his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines
just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the
flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it
wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American
Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while
the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's
comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to
please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that
on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into
the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while
the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks
for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a
little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do
you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am,"
said the officer. "What is it?" The little old lady
said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a
landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire
smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through
the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight
attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time
you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies
in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US
Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest
Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to
smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the
wing, and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from
Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortabe cruising
altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New
York to Los Angeles . he weather ahead is good and,
therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY
GOD!" Silence followed, and after a
few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and
said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so
sorry if I scared you earlier. While
I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
"That's nothing You should see the back of
mine!"
